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"Ruth" from South Africa
[Submitted with approval provided I change her name for sake of anonymity. - Ed Sherbeyn]
My name is "Ruth", and I found your name on the peer support list generated by Christine Maggiore from "Alive and Well." I hope you don't mind me writing you. I am currently living in South Africa where the barrage of AIDS commercials weighs heavily in my thought.
I was diagnosed HIV positive this past June, three days after I became engaged and a week before my 28th birthday. I wasn't in any of the "risk groups" -- was in a monogamous relationship with a "negative", have never done intravenous drugs and had tested negative three years earlier, with limited risk between (with a man who I know has tested negative). The only thing that was different in my medical history was that I had received Hep A and B shots earlier in the year before traveling to Africa. I was also taking a nutritional drink called "Biochoice", a biotechnology product that contains natural antibodies and immune co-factors (taken from the eggs of chickens who are inocculated against 26 different human pathogens). I was taking this product because my work as a flight attendant exposed me to a lot of airborne "junk" and I seemed to be catching the cold a lot. Of course, after my diagnosis, they told me that was the HIV and that the next time I even had a hint of a cold I must come see them immediately because it could kill me. Now I realize it could have been a natural result of my heavy work load and commuting to London (where my fiance lived at the time) from Florida (where I lived).
Except for a small circle of friends (including the man who is now my husband) and family, I haven't told any one of my situation. I have moved to South Africa (my husband's home) because I lost my job after the Sept. 11 attacks (I was JFK based and in the air that day) and am surrounded by people who think AIDS is a "bloody black disease" caused by immoral sexual practices. The only other HIV positive person I have spoken with was an "AIDS peer educator" at the clinic my doctor referred me to, who just couldn't wait to familiarize me with all the pills I would be taking for the rest of my life. She brought in a glass encased board with all the different pills glued on. By the time I got out of my meeting with her, I was more afraid of the side-effects of all those pills than I was of AIDS.
Do you know that instead of praying for relief from a dreaded disease, or praying that it was all a big mistake, I prayed that my viral load would be low enough that they wouldn't put me on drugs? Fortunately, my first viral load was "undetectable" and the second showed only 70, so I escaped having to make a decision against my doctor's recommendations before I read "What if..." by Maggiore. Because of what I have read in Christine's book and articles I have found at www.virusmyth.org, I feel I am doing quite well emotionally (and I am doing very well physically). However, there are times I think it might be nice to speak to someone who can relate to some of the ups and downs I am going through.
I was raised a Christian Scientist and have a healthy skepticism about western medicine and pharmaceutical companies, so it wasn't hard for me to believe what I read in Christine's book. I am also fortunate in that my membership in the Church of Christ, Scientist affords me some protection under the law should I ever decide to have a drug-free pregnancy. I have a supportive family and loving husband all of whom I am eternally grateful for.
But I still feel quite depressed, some times angry. I sometimes worry that I am just being hopeful or am going through a period of denial and that some day the AIDS orthodoxy will isolate HIV and prove their theories and I will have lived a hopeful lie. I guess I haven't lived long enough with it to trust I will be OK. I have always been healthy (eat right, don't drink, don't smoke, love the outdoors, foster my spirituality) but now I find myself making excuses for eating another cheeseburger happy meal (my one weakness) because I don't really know whether I will live long enough to develop heart disease. There are days when I don't feel like getting out of bed because I now feel overwhelmed with anxiety over making decisions (as if everything is more urgent now). My husband worries that I don't really believe what I have read when I have to leave the room if the TV is blaring a program about AIDS or is the topic of conversation at parties among friends. You can't get away from "AIDS talk" here in South Africa.
If I had done something to put myself at risk or had reason to feel ashamed, I think I would accept my fate with grace and humility. But I haven't, and now I feel my life is being determined for me in many ways. I didn't choose this battle. I feel like I am carrying around a dirty little secret -- I feel separate from the people around me who are living a care-free life without a clue as to how I feel like I am falling apart inside. I even wonder whether my husband sees me the same way he did before, even though he claims he does. Things have been different between us, and I don't know how much that has to do with the happy-go-lucky person I used to be meeting an untimely fate.
The first week after my diagnosis I was in Geneva, resting in the sun by the lake. There were happy families all around, beautiful people expressing joy at the coming of spring -- laughing and playing in the water. I was trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself, but all I wanted to do was run back to my hotel room, close the curtains and cry. I felt cut off from the world around me that I loved so much -- I felt my zest for life drowning in a sea of worry and fear. This feeling has continued, albeit it is better knowing an early death might not be inevitable.
I'm sorry to go on and on. I would really love to hear from you, just to know that there really is someone out there who has lived through all of this. I would love to hear your story -- to know why, even in 1985 when it was all so new, you chose not to take the drugs. I chose to write to you because you must have unbelievable strength of conviction and character to follow your own understanding in the face of what must have been a lot of pressure to take the drugs.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. It's a great thing there are people out there willing to listen. If you can write back, again, I would love to hear from you.
I would also love to hear about your trip to Ireland -- we went this past year and had a wonderful time.
Sincerely, All the way from South Africa,
"Ruth"
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